Officially Saying Goodbye To My 10 Year Plan.

*see audio of post at the bottom

Hi There!

Undeniably, I never believed I would be writing this especially one year ago when I, in all my naivety thought I had my entire life path figure out. A 10 year plan to be exact. My sontaran stratagem was to bust my ass, get an idiotic ATAR and go to law school for 5 years. I would eventually get a well paid job as a lawyer somewhere in the inner city and live in a sweet apartment in Paddington with my partner and two dogs named Barkbra Streisand and Puppy LuPone. Even still this sounds like a pretty 'good' life. The thing I neglected to consider in all of this was whether I actually wanted this 'good enough' life for myself, or whether I simply deemed it as successful and attainable. Family connections in the industry would have made it easy enough me to fulfil this goal but upon reflection I think that in the process of making these plans I was subconsciously aiming to please others and not myself. 

I recall sitting in legal studies class in high school and recognising, in my head how much more excited I was for English. When people would ask me about my hobbies or my passions, I would always answer with "I love to read and write". For as long as I could remember literature was the only thing that set my soul on fire. It was the one thing that allowed me to feel insatiable highs and the shallowest lows. At times it is all consuming and it is able to transport me elsewhere. Even when I'm not engaging in the act itself I am always thinking about it. I would even say "I can be a lawyer in the day and write books when I get home" as if being a lawyer wouldn't be my full time job. So why didn't I follow my inner child who told me what my calling was? Was out of practically? to impress other people? for security? I think it is a likely mix of all of the above. Obsessed with retaining an image that only I held of myself, I dreaded that doing the old switcheroo in my senior years would make me seem unequipped and aimless. More, I would have nothing to work towards. With nothing to work towards what would I have to stress about? With nothing to stress about I would actually have to figure out how to have a life!

I love to be in control and have always felt the desire for the highest possible level of certainty and stability. I didn't like the idea of being a struggling artist who couldn't pay their bills. I was foreshadowing an unforgiveable sacrifice of 10 hours every day at a job I didn't love just to know I would come home and sleep in an expensive bed. Upon retrospection, I find it uncomfortable how radically I enforced the idea that it is impossible to get a well paid job that isn't in a stuffy old office. I truly didn't believe it was possible. Now, I find it even more unbearable to envision a life in a corporate office in which I would sit all day dreaming and getting distracted by the illustration I want to do when I get home or the book I want to finish. 

More than that, I can now deeply understand the struggle I had with my self worth and how the treatment of myself was incredibly conditional (I am still guilty and working on it). I was only worthy if I was getting good grades and appeared as intelligent and successful to those to which I deemed it mattered. A crippling anxiety around failure meant I was too scared to drive a car or find a partner for fear of doing it all wrong (I can now drive a car but I am still working on the latter). Almost every morning, I catch myself out feeling unworthy if my outfit isn't up to the usual standards. I place such high regard on my external self expression. I feel that if my outside doesn't perfectly evoke my highest self, no one will love me. If my clothes don't look vintage or unique enough they won't know that I'm an old soul who like classical rock and Alan Ginsberg. A striking paradox still exists. I panic that my outfit is too odd therefore no one will think I am cute but also fearing that if I don't wear it and do meet someone I will be showing a constructed imitation of myself. I know that my worthiness of love is NOT determined by how vintage my ruffle blouse is or how well I did in an exam, but at times I still forget. 

So now what? I have left my law degree and my job at a law firm and I am studying English literature and working at a bookstore. Honestly, I could not tell you. I have some ideas I would like to toy around with and a pretty solid list of routes I could take, but at the moment I am trying really hard to just *vibe* and stop freaking out. Funny enough, a man walked up to me the other day after work and whispered "It's bizarre isn't it? You know what you have to do and you have 60 years left to do it. You are going to change the world" and then booped my shoulder and walked away. After the initial shock wore off, I chose to believe that he wasn't on shrooms but that he is a psychic or my guardian angel in human form... well why not? I might be right. 

To bid ado I would like to share an increasingly fitting quote from the love of my life David Bowie who once said "I don't know where I'm going from here, But I promise it won't be boring".

All the love, 

Scarlett in the sky (with diamonds)

Intuition Is My Religion | Breaking Down Spiritual Barriers!

Audio recording of the post included at the bottom :) 

Hi There, 

As a young leftist I have always struggled with structured religion. I grew up with a non-religious Jewish father and a non-religious Orthodox Christian mother, neither of which (thankfully) tried to force me to believe what they did. I have always felt free to think and feel as I wish. This was liberating, though has left me infinite paths to explore and be confused upon. Both my parents are also liberal and to my understanding, endured that same struggled with traditional religion that I did. 

For me, I’ve always had this innate desire to feel like part of a community, a religious community could just do the job I thought. But to commit to any religion would be an utter falsehood. Not only to myself, convincing myself that I really believe what I’m saying I believe, but also to that religion which I would be committing. Part of me believes that I must have been a monk or a rabbi in my past life because even as a child, I have been magnetized to a spiritual life in a way that seems otherworldly. Much like my ethic cocktail, I am a cocktail of spiritual beliefs. I’ve picked and chose what sounded right and resonated with me and seem to have created my own little religion to which I am the only adherent. 

For example, I definitely believe in a soul, but I also definitely do not conform to the Christian idea of the afterlife and see us more as a universal energy, to which we each are intrinsically connected, but also our own energy. I also believe in reincarnation. I have a strong alignment with the idea of manifestation, the law of attraction and intuitive spirituality. All that being said, I have no subscription to any set of moral or ethical beliefs other than that which I’ve learnt through just… living and experiencing things. 

613 mitzvot? How on earth am I to life my life so cautiously? To try my hardest to be a good person? Now that’s something I can get down with. I was born with a nifty little intuitive sense whom I trust with all my might. She tells me that when I say make dinner for my family, call my grandma out of the blue or tell someone they look beautiful “You’ve done a great job! Here, have a warm feeling in your belly and a smile”. She also tells me that when I don’t stand up for someone being mistreated, lie about my availability on Saturday night or think about saying something mean to my friend “Hey girl, that’s not on! Queue the sinking feeling in your gut, insomnia, physical exhaustion and anxiety”. Is that not enough of a sign on how to live your life?  

It’s hard to figure it all out on your own when you aren’t in a structured religion. Trust me, having a handbook on how to live your life sounds fabulous! And if you have found yours then congratulations, I really do envy you! But I’m only at the start of my journey. If I live to the age of 90, that would have been 788400 hours. 157680 of which I’ve already experienced at 18 years old and 630720 to go. That’s a lot of time for new learning. I’m certainly not daft enough to think I know it all already or that I have reached the pinnacle of my own spirituality and certainly am able to recognise gaps in my belief (some of which may never be filled). But reaching an accepting state where I have allowed myself to NOT be a sceptic about everything has been freeing!  

For me, the one and only thing that I know is that I trust my gut. My intuition is ALWAYS right. So, when my gut tells me that manifestation is real, I’m going to trust her and go with it, knowing that it feels right. When she says that lying is bad, I’m going to agree. Making the active decision to not need concrete proof for everything your intuition tells you is good, bad, right or wrong opens up a world of possibilities! Maybe my gut tells me something different to what your gut tells you, but the beauty of life is that we each rule our own paths!

I know I might sound woo hoo, or like social isolation has really gotten to my head. But this process of breaking down unwanted beliefs, those like “magic isn’t real”, “you can’t have that, you’re not worthy” or “there is only one way to get to where you want to be” and instead just listening to what FEELS right opens up more door than you would have otherwise thought impossible. No one says to only use your heart and not your head, but if you’re not using your heart enough, you might just be a little too stuck in your head. 

I really hope this made sense. Sometimes its hard to put my abstract thoughts into an understandable flow of sentences LOL. 

Wonder amongst the stars… 

All the love, Scar.

P.S I would highly recommend Kristen Jenner (Pursuit of Bliss), she really helped me think about a lot of this stuff !  

What I Actually Learnt From Being in Quarantine...

Note: Audio recording of the post is attached to the bottom. You’re welcome to listen to it if you would prefer!

Hey There!

It seems as if 'quarantine' is coming to an end, at least for us in Australia. I'm now leaving the house almost everyday and most things appear to be returning slightly closer to normal, or as normal as they can be. I can say that these last few months have really thrown me back to those six week summer holidays when both my parents were working and wouldn't let me get the bus on my own so I was stuck in the house by myself, watching an entire season of pretty little liars in one day, waking up at 2pm and living off pasta and toasties. I'm almost grateful in some way that I've been stuck alone with my thoughts for a while because I've learnt a LOT of things that I'm otherwise not sure I would have. 

Firstly I have learnt that yes, I am definitely an introvert... It worries me a little bit how much I did not hate being at home all day and night ESPECIALLY since everyone else seemed to be going mad. I had the chance to create a Harry Styles light switch, buy myself a pink beanbag, write a lot, catch up on my reading (a lot) and watch those shows that my friends have been ranting about for ages. What could be better? That being said I missed the absolute fuck out of my friends. I was reminded immensely of how much I value them. Whats better than a Harry Styles light switch? A Harry Styles light switch that you've got to justify as normal to your friend who has come to visit and doesn't understand your obsession with One Direction. What's better than a beanbag? Two beanbags. 

I think all of my fellow students will agree with me when I say that ONLINE SCHOOL IS HORRIBLE! All this going to bed at 3am isn't fun when you only finished writing your law essay at 2am and have to get up at 9am for a live ZOOM tutorial. Especially as a first year student at university... Honestly, I think I speak for us all when I say that I don't even know how I got through it. 

Not that I didn't know it before, but my brain (whom I have named Brian) is an infinite bloody minefield. From the insane dreams I've been having (many regarding Harry Styles the light switch) to my heightened creativity (inevitably fuelled by a lack of motivation to do uni work), I did not realise how Lizzy McGuire Brian (the brain) truly was. I may be unfit physically, but I sure as hell am a body builder of the mind. These many occasions of fruitful poetry writing and lemon painting were equally matched by life crisis` and existential impositions. Just for your pleasure a schedule would go something like this: 

• 9am-1pm Get up, don't wash your face or get out of your pyjamas, do uni work
• 1pm-3pm Procrastinate, TikTok, eat a lot of leftovers or make pesto pasta 
• 3pm-6pm CREATIVE TIME
• 7pm-9pm Life crisis time
• 9pm-1am Freak out about how unproductive you've been and do some assignment work
• 1am-3am TikTok/ journal about your crisis that occurred between 7pm and 9pm
• REPEAT

Those many 7pm-9pm sessions of existential implosion, though likely catastrophic to my mental well being provoked many important discussions with myself about the direction of my life. Stop, slow down and visualise what you actually want and not what you've been told is good for you. Turns out, I was on the wrong track all along. That discussion isn't always better saved for another time. In this case, I think I'll share it with you later. 

Some other small things I learnt which are less valuable but still quite important include:

1. I like being outdoors. Walking my dog is the best part of my day. 
2. Music makes me SO happy. 
3. Making art is therapeutic and when pared with some Carole King played on vinyl I am practically floating atop cloud nine (Photo at the top is my painting!)
4. Meditation works even better when you do it everyday. 
5. The ancient Greeks were right about leisure over work.
6. Hinge is better than Tinder. 

Wonder Amongst the Stars
All the love xx

The Attack Of The Change Monster

Hi There!

I am currently going through something that I call "the attack of the change monster". This is when it seems as if everything in your life is changing all in one go... and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. You are falling down the 'Alice in Wonderland' rabbit hole and you are confused, disoriented and it appears as if you took some hallucinogenics because shit is going crazy.

I can say for sure that that's how I feel right now. In the last three days alone, I've gotten over what I genuinely thought was the corona virus, landed in Sydney on the way back from my Fijian holiday, attended my university orientation day, started and new job at a law firm and then revisited my high school which only encouraged my brain to remember just how 'easy' it all used to be. Not for a second did I actually think that I would miss high school, and in the sense of being back in my school again I don't. But I do miss the routine. Waking up every morning, five days every week knowing where I was meant to be and where I had to be. I knew my responsibilities because I wasn't the one making them up.

link to image

Now, looking at next weeks google calendar schedule and seeing four university seminar's and my my new job filling my hours, it feels as if I am am a tiny little grain of sand residing on the largest beach in the world, only now realising that I know LITERALLY NOTHING and the days of comfort zones are far behind. It's time for me to put all those hard hours of calendar reorganisation to good use because I am finally making my own way in this world and the limit does not exist.

The way that I have been getting through what to some people may seem like the simple flow of life is using my downtime to do things that DO make me comfortable, and things that most importantly make me happy. No more guilt for binging 3 hours of 'RuPauls Drag Race' with a glass of sauvignon blanc and a bowl of pasta, I'm only doing what makes me feel relaxed. When each working day is pushing the your own boundaries in every intellectual, social and physical way, I believe that you have the freedom to do jack shit every hour you're not there if that's what you want.

That being said, other than Alyssa Edwards and Nina Flowers (my favourite Drag Queens to binge on RuPaul) that which is treating me most kindly are my daily wellbeing practices. These include journaling to make sure I am getting every little nervous thought out of my flooded brain and into my personal pensive in the form of a notebook, at least 10 minutes of meditation before bed every night, as many doggy kisses as my little one will give me and on average 7 pep-talks given to me, by me. Telling myself that I don't need to be afraid of everything, because usually when you're anxious about something, it isn't as bad in reality as it is in your head.

My personal mantra is "Much dumber people than me have gotten through this unscathed, there is no way that I won't be fine". Trust me, it works.

Remember... think colossally and let your brain wonder amongst the stars.
All the love x

I Graduated High School... Here Is My Meltdown

Hi There!

Well well well... who would have thought that i would be here today writing about the fact that i ACTUALLY finished high school... 13 years of schooling and education and I'm finally done. I am officially a non-contributing member of society. I don't have a job or any money and I am not yet receiving a higher education!

What on earth do I do? I'm sure this is a common feeling amongst people who are non-contributing members of society, but I just feel so fundamentally purposeless. After the last few years of non-stop study I've almost forgotten how to relax (irrespective of the 14 day cruise I took with my grandmother, in which I basically metamorphosised into an elderly women). Even when I did 'nothing' to try and relax, my brain would betray me and direct a full blown cinematic motion picture detailing all the things i should be doing instead of watching "One Direction Cute and Funny Moments 2012" on my phone in the dark.

On top off my ongoing existential crisis, I am currently experiencing a near fatalistic and highly contagious bout of post-traumatic HSC disorder. I can no longer walk through Coles and casually recognise a song from the Billy Elliot soundtrack. I most definitely cannot resist blurting out facts about Roman history at a perfectly mellow family dinner, reciting halakhic passages or pointing out a phrase that Shakespeare coined in the 17th Century. Most frightening of all, I simply cannot stop singing the anagram song that I made up to remember my legislation and cases! (its just so damn catchy)

Anyways on another note ... I filmed myself during this the month of the HSC so that one day I could look back and reflect on this whole ordeal and hopefully think "PFT! I am a human rights lawyer saving the world by day and Harry Styles' wife getting freaky by night, why was I even stressed?"
I am certain that I'll be thinking something of the sort by this time next year (EVEN without the Harry part) because I ALREADY do that about almost every single thing that I've been stressed about in the past. So if you are willing to sit through it, feel free to witness many mini-breakdowns and the catastrophic shifts between being all WOOO and being all BOOO in layman's terms.

I DO plan on focusing on the more positive aspects of schooling in the future, but I am equally devoted to realism. And not the kind you think you know, like when Jennifer Lawrence talks about burping or falls down one time. But me sitting in my room, with no makeup on, in my Ravenclaw sweater, with dirty hair and eye bags... THAT is relatable.

Remember... think colossally and let your brain wonder among the stars
All the love x

I Worry... Like, a LOT

Hi There!

My name is Scarlett Kaplan and I am an un-ironic, unequivocal and entirely all-consuming worry wort. I know right now that every single baby boomer within a 70km radius is going
"mILeNnIaLs aRe ANxIoUs ABouT eVeRyThinG"
but seriously... I am anxious about everything.

I'm at the point in my life where I'm not exactly an adult and I'm definitely not a child. I am being forced to make MASSIVE and extremely influential decisions about the direction of my life and I'm expected to be calm and collected? what a load of bullshit!
I hate to break it to you adults, but it's actually very stressful. It might not be as stressful as being behind on your mortgage repayments, forgetting to take your birth control pills or realizing the person you just married has a crazy ex who keeps requesting you on Facebook. But to us, that's exactly what it feels like.

Look, I am entirely aware that stressing about issues out of my control is pointless. That sitting down for my hour-long existential crisis scheduled daily is merely hindering my productivity. It is useless anxiety. But the perpetual fear of my future is too much for my tiny little mushy head-sponge to contain.
I sometimes wish I had a 'pensieve' like Dumbledore in Harry Potter so i could simply cast away my thoughts before bed. This way I wouldn't wake up fifteen times between one and two AM with the same dream of UAC themed alien-rhinos eating my face and threatening to take 20 points off my ATAR.

For some people, you feel this way about your friends, your boyfriends or girlfriends, maybe family issues or money problems. For me though, it is the impending doom of the HSC and getting into university that seems to swamp my mind.
I call this 'perfectionist paralysis'. Meaning that I am so scared of not doing well, or performing perfectly that I am virtually crippled and stupefied by the thought, meaning I don't do anything at all.

As an intuitive and mindful person, I've realised that living my life like this is unacceptable, exhausting and tedious. So here are a list of things that I have implemented just recently with the aim to reducing this stress induced paralysis:

• Daily meditation (5 mins in the morning and 10 mins before bed)
• Outlets aka. journaling, writing and exercise (meaning I just walk my dog everyday)
• Discipline- this sounds dumb, but I try to schedule time for myself to think about the reality of these issues. For example, on the bus. So if I'm in math class and thinking about not getting into uni because my marks are too low, I tell myself that I'm allowed to worry in 2 hours, but for now I need to focus. 
• The practice of ACCEPTANCE. Trying to realise that if its out of your control, its out of your control. 

Yes, I'm still going mad and my heart still drops every time I think about what my life will be like in two months. But this has helped, and I'm hoping that it will continue to do so.
So until next time...


Remember... think colossally and let your brain wonder among the stars
All the love x

How I 'Survived' My First Semester of Year 12...

Hi There!

I am starting this blog off extremely selfishly!
I felt that it would be rewarding to reflect on the last 6 months which for everyone my age, in their senior year that is, is guaranteed to understand is exactly 50% cursed and 50% blessed.
I for one, am actually SO surprised that I've kept it together this much... although each day that creeps closer to trial exams and the HSC (high school certificate) terrifies me more and more.

I must say, that the amount I've learnt, not just academically in the last half-year has been more than I could have imagined... and maybe more than my brain could handle

I have somehow... and I can't tell you exactly how, become expert at tackling exam stress. I went from being that person who is shaking as they walk into the exam room, to the person who looks at people like that and shakes their head saying 'what an idiot... they're just freaking themselves out'.
I claim it was a mixture of regular meditation, heightened confidence, in myself and my ability AND finally getting rid of those friends who bring me down.. especially in those kind of stressful situations. My advice is to younger student who get exam jitters is give it time! It all becomes less scary the more you do it!

I terms of the way that you study, having a blanket statement exam guide doesn't always work, especially when you're preparing for ONE final exam. Legal studies for example has 4 topics. For some of them all you need to do is write an essay in the HSC, so in this case, you should learn the content but focus on prepping different exam questions instead of making endless flashcards for the topic... this is SMART not HARD.

I don't know about you but by stopping doing what I love doing the most, that is reading, writing, watching HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER! makes me want to work LESS! By separating yourself from your downtime, your interests, you are losing sight of who you really are. You are NOT a study robot. By allowing myself time to do what I love most every now and then, I am able to remember my goals and ambitions. By keeping yourself alive, both literally and mentally, you are actually enhancing your learning even though you might not be studying at that exact moment...

I am lucky, very lucky to have best friends who are the BEST friends. They support me, help me when I feel like sh*t and give me confidence everyday. For you that might be a parent, cousin, friend, pet etc.  In times of adversity and stress everyone is prone to flip out a little bit especially when you're frustrated and sometimes we take it out on those we KNOW are not going to really get mad... trust me, even I do this. Remember that those few people who love you and care for you are only trying to do just that. Listen to them, take their wisdom and love and punch a pillow instead. You need your rocks!

Year 12 is a year of much stress, many tears and restless night. It is also a year of parties, 18th birthdays, reunited friends and new ones. This is your last year as a kid and first as an adult, you have the best of both worlds. Your English essay can wait until Sunday if your friend is having a party on Saturday. Fun times are the times you will remember. Work around them, don't sacrifice them. Go and be yourself and have fun with your friends (and always be safe)

Finally, I've never been one for the cringe positivism crap I read on Pinterest... until I started ACTUALLY reading it. By talking to yourself with positive and affirmative thoughts, you are being motivated from inside out and literally forcing yourself to be happy from inside out. I made little visualisation boards for my room and wallpapers for my phone and laptop. I find that if you are surrounded by enough positivity and motivation, it genuinely seeps into your life

In summary:

1. Exam jitters... they do more evil than good!
2. Study smart, not hard... sound cliche but its the truth!
3. Time away from the books is just as important as time in front of the books 
4. Your best friends are your BEST assets
5. Work around the fun and get as much of it as you can 
6. Surround yourself with positivity 

In short, they are the main aspects of change that have allowed me to 'survive' the last 6 months. By no means have I been jolly and skippy ever moment of every day. I've had some hard days and I've bunt out many many times, I've had some incredible days. But you know what? I've done pretty damn well if you ask me.


Remember... think colossally and let your brain wonder among the stars
All the love x